New Beginnings
by Grey's Nurse
Summary: Newly posted Chapters 8 and 9! Meredith and Derek attempt friendship, but discover that friendship may be out of their reach. Story takes place after What Have I Done to Deserve This?
1. Not Quite Out of the Woods

_**Author's Note: ** I do not, obviously, own the characters of Grey's Anatomy._

_This story takes place after "What Have I Done to Deserve This?"_

Derek sat on the worn, wooden bench enjoying the fresh, morning air. It was brisk; dew on the grass. Doc was tromping through the bushes, sniffing along the ground. He spotted a squirrel and trotted after it. Derek huddled over his coffee, both hands wrapped around the cup, trying to absorb some of its warmth. He would be at peace right now, too, if it weren't for what he was about to do. He was hoping for the best. But he'd need to say the right words, in the right way, at the right time. And he wasn't sure how she would respond.

He heard a car approaching, and soon spotted Meredith's SUV. His precious mornings with Meredith. The joy they produced in him carried him, lately, through long days at work and sleepless nights in the trailer. She parked next to his car and, before long, had gotten out, locked the door, and was headed his way. His heart skipped a beat.

He stood, reaching to grab the steaming cup of hot cocoa he'd set on the bench beside him.

"Hi Mere," he breathed. "It's great to see you."

She gave him a quick hug, then pulled away, smiling. "Hi. It's cold this morning!" She rubbed her hands together, then reached to accept the steaming cup of cocoa that he held out to her. "Oh! That's great. Thanks!"

They began to walk toward the trail. "Doc's around here somewhere," he told her. "He's been chasing little creatures, having a great time this morning."

They walked along, talking about work. They talked about their friends, and how quickly Bailey's baby was getting bigger (Tucker and Bailey had come in for a follow-up appointment with Derek a few days earlier).

Doc emerged from the bushes, a small branch between his teeth. He wagged his tail frantically when he saw Meredith.

"Down!" They both commanded, in unison, as he started to jump up onto Meredith.

"Good boy! You're a good boy…" Derek scratched and patted him on the head as he praised the excited dog.

"He likes you," she observed. "He really likes you." She smiled, eyes shining.

"Of course he likes me. I'm likeable. I'm a great, likeable guy!" They laughed, and continued trudging up the trail.

They'd been walking Doc in the mornings for about two months. They talked, and they enjoyed each other's company. It had been really refreshing for both of them. There were some deep conversations, and there was occasional tension, but they'd both managed to suppress the attraction between them, and they'd actually become friends. Despite what Meredith had assured him was impossible, they'd become friends. The funny thing, to Derek, was that he hadn't believed it could be done either. He'd told her otherwise, of course, but the fact that they'd grown as friends, and hadn't compromised that physically, shocked the hell out of him.

"I have something—", "I wanted to tell you—", they both started at the same time.

"You first, " he offered.

"Okay. Well, I didn't want to tell you this until I really knew. But I think it's for real now. So I wanted to tell you about him. I, um, met this guy. His name is Justin. He's an engineer. He works for Boeing. And he's great. We've been dating for about a month…What?"

"Nothing." Brow furrowed, he stared at the pebbles along the trail.

"No, you're giving me a look."

"It's nothing."

"Derek! What is it?" she demanded, "Okay. What was it that you wanted to tell me?"

"I don't think that this is a good time…"

"Derek!"

"Okay. Addison signed the papers last week. She's moved out of the trailer. And, next week, she's moving back to New York. Right now, she's just making sure that all of her patients get a proper referral to another specialist." He continued, "I hadn't wanted to jerk you around again. I wanted to make sure that she was really serious about moving before I told you any of it."

"Oh," she breathed, "So what happened? I mean, what finally did this? The divorce. What made up your minds?"

He turned his back to her, visibly taking a deep breath as he raked his fingers through his wavy hair. He took a step, and they began slowly walking back. "Well, it started with Mark's visit. They ran into each other on the elevator, and I found them there. Mark asked why I'd forgiven her and couldn't forgive him. That's when I angrily told him that I hadn't forgiven her, either. That hit her hard. Over the past several weeks, she's questioned when we'd be back on stable ground. She's asked what it would take for us to be "even". And she pointed out how unfairly I've been treating both of you, that I've been stringing you both along, and demanded that I make some choices."

"Choices?"

"Yeah, choices. Some of what she said hit really hard. She called me a lot of things. And when I thought about it, I realized that she was right. I have been selfish. Really selfish. And passive-aggressive. I've been hurting both of you, hugely. So, I would lay in bed at night and think about what I should do. What I want. What's best for you, and for

Addison."

She searched his face, waiting for him to continue

"And one night, after work, I told her how much I was sorry. And that she deserved to be happy. And that I couldn't be the one anymore…the one to make her happy. Because I'm in love with you. That it wasn't going to go away. And that, when I really got honest with myself, I realized that I'd never be happy unless I was with you."

"Oh."

"She and I cried together. And, as much as it hurt me to say it, I told her that I'd learn to forgive her. And that, even if she and Mark eventually found themselves in love, I'd learn to be happy for them. I looked for the papers, took them out and signed them. She signed them, too. And we slept, for the last time, in the same bed. Just slept. The next morning, she packed up her things and moved into a hotel."

"Derek—"

"Meredith, I know that this is really bad timing. You've seemed happy. You were just telling me that things were going well with this engineer of yours. And, yes, I love you. Of course I want you to be with me. But, more than that, I want you to be happy."

"Derek, part of what's been great about the friends thing—I've been able to get to know you again. When Addison came, and you decided to stay with her, I hated you. It hurt me. Very much. And I was so pissed at you. And this sad, pathetic, hurt way was how I related to you for a very long time. Now that we're spending time together, I don't hate you anymore, and I'm not constantly hurting. I think that I'll always love you, but I need more time to recover from the hurt. Things might work out with Justin. They might not. You and I need more time to adjust to the not-married-anymore situation, though."

"Is it exclusive? Between the two of you?"

"I'm not sure. But I wouldn't risk dating others without knowing it wouldn't violate some unspoken rule with him."

"I'll wait for you," he declared.

"I'm not making any promises, Derek."

"I know. But I'll wait for you. I'm very stubborn," he grinned.

They were back at the beginning of the trail now. They tossed their cups in the trash can and sat down together on the bench.

"I can't stay much longer. I have this thing," he said.

"Right," she breathed, "One last thing…" She turned to him and cupped his face in her hands. She kissed him, passionately releasing in one kiss all of the pent up loneliness, love, and attraction that she'd suppressed during the time that Addison was in the picture. They continued, hungry for each other, fervor building until it nearly consumed the two of them. She pulled away, roughly, gasping for breath. She ran to her car and quickly got in, immediately backing out and peeling out of the parking lot.

Derek struggled to regain his composure, and raked his fingers through his hair once again. "Doc, do you believe in karma? Because I think that I'm in for a rough ride."


	2. Shattering the Facade

As she hurriedly entered the little café, she scanned the room and spotted him immediately. She could tell that he'd seen her come in, because his face lit up immediately and he stood up beside their table.

"Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. Fridays! I got stuck discharging a bunch of patients that I hadn't planned..."

They hugged, and he kissed the side of her neck before sexily whispering, "I've had all this time to think about what I'd like to do after dinner." He flashed a lopsided grin and gazed into her eyes. "You look amazing tonight, Meredith."

"Thanks." She pushed the chair next to him a little closer, draped her coat across the back of the chair, and they both sat down.

"I ordered you a glass of wine." He pointed to the table, "And I asked the waiter to bring us that spinach dish that you love so much…what's the matter?" He put his arm around her shoulders and drew her closer. "What happened to you today?"

"I don't want to talk about it," she stammered, upset that she looked as stricken as she felt.

"Are you sure?" He gently rubbed her shoulders with the hand resting there.

"Yeah, I'm sure." She was thankful that he seemed willing to let it go, but knew that she'd have to tell him eventually. "I'm starving. How long ago did you order?"

--------

She thought about him as they ate, this man who had worked his way into her life. She was in awe of his handsome features, his charm, and the way she felt when she was near him. At a time in her life when she'd been going through so much change—so much heartache, they met and he'd transformed her life.

Justin's features were totally unlike Derek's. He was fair skinned, with blondish-red hair that he kept short and neatly trimmed. He had a smattering of freckles that she guessed were darker when he was young. He was fairly muscular, around six feet tall, and wore wire-rimmed glasses that were both sexy and professional-looking. Her Justin. He looked the all-American boy. And she absolutely adored him.

They'd met at a black-tie fundraiser benefiting the national Alzheimer's Association's Seattle chapter. He was there as one of the handful representing Boeing, and they'd presented a check to the association for a half million dollars. She'd dragged Christina and Burke along with her, afraid to go alone. And, halfway through the evening, she'd met Justin. He introduced himself as she stood at the bar, and they quickly struck up a conversation. He was emotionally available, he was nurturing, and he adamantly denied being married. He was the anti-Derek. And it was a great start. They'd begun dating, seeing each other several times before spending the night.

They'd quickly opened up to each other, each learning the other's life story and each expressing their most intimate thoughts and feelings. He came from Illinois, had an emotionally close-knit family, had one brother and one sister, and his parents were still together after 35 years of marriage. Eventually, she'd revealed all of her truths, all of her most ugly secrets. And, he hadn't blinked an eye. He'd actually reassured her and told her then how much he loved her. He knew all about Derek. He knew how much she'd been hurting after she learned about his wife. He knew that she'd been walking Doc with him in the mornings. He knew the mesmerizing force that Derek was in her life. He even knew that, a month after he'd begun dating her, she'd kissed Derek. And still loved her.

He noticed the far-off look and gazed up at her momentarily. One glance at her plate revealed that she'd only eaten a few bites and been aimlessly pushing the rest around with her fork.

"Want me to get us some boxes? We can finish the date at home?" He gently set his fork down, dabbing his mouth with the napkin pulled from his lap.

"Sure," she said absently.

He flagged the waiter, handing him his credit card and asking if they could pack up the food remaining on the two plates. In a matter of minutes, he was helping her into her coat, grabbing the boxes, and guiding her toward the door of the restaurant. His car was parked at his nearby office, so they left it there and took her car home.

--------

The drive home was a quiet one—unusual for the two of them. Meredith stared off into space, deep in thought. And Justin watched her carefully from the corner of his eye.

"_Meredith. Can I talk to you for a minute?" Derek had just rounded the corner, coming out of the OR. She'd been caught. She'd hoped to avoid him today—the one-year anniversary of the day that they'd met at Joe's._

"_Uh, sure. Can you wait just one second?" She finished writing the post-op orders in her last patient's chart, and handed it to the waiting nurse. "Okay, do you want to go somewhere more private?"_

"_Come with me," he grinned. He grabbed her hand and led her down the hall, eagerly. As they passed the nearest on-call room, he pulled her into the room and locked the door behind them._

"_Derek—"_

"_Meredith, I told you that I'd wait for you. And I have. And I'll wait as long as it takes for you to come to your senses. But I want you to know that I love you..."_

"_Derek—"_

"—_No, hear me out. I tried to fight it. When Addison came to Seattle. I tried to deny the feelings that I had for you, just like you're denying your feelings for me now. After a while, denying them left me dead inside. Cold." He stopped, taking a deep breath, continuing, his voice ragged with emotion. "I love you, Meredith. I will never stop loving you. I mean that, with all my heart." He took a small black velvet-covered box out of the pocket of his lab coat, and began to get down on one knee. "Meredith Grey…Doctor Meredith Grey, will you marry me? Will you make me the happiest, luckiest man on this earth and be my wife?"_

"_Oh Derek," she sobbed, unlocking the door and bolting from the room. She ran to the stairwell as fast as she could, pausing to gasp for air once she got through its door. She took off down the stairs, and found the first exit, running outside into the dark, cold rain._

_She sat down on the nearest bench, pulling her knees to her chest, sobbing so forcefully that her head hurt. How could he do this to her? He knew that she was in love with Justin. Sure, she was in love with him. But her love for Derek was something that she'd been trying to forget. Hadn't happened yet, but she knew that someday it'd go away. It had to. He'd continued to flirt with her at the hospital, holding on to hope. But she'd kept him at arm's length. She'd even backed off on the "friendly" dog walks after he'd initially professed his love for her. How was this happening now? Is this what it had been like for him when Addison was around—the horrible knowledge that any decision you make will potentially ruin someone you love?_

"Meredith! Meredith we're home." Her senses sharpened, and she realized that Justin was shaking her shoulder, concern for her evident in his expression. "Are you okay, honey?"

"Yeah. Uh. We're home. Great." She smiled weakly at him as she unbuckled her seatbelt, eyes brimming with tears.

He got out of the car, grabbing the boxed leftovers and coming to the passenger side. He opened her door and helped her out, carefully putting his arm around her shoulders as they walked together toward her house. As they got into the house, he told her that he was going to put the leftovers in the refrigerator and that he'd meet her in her room. She nodded blankly and began up the stairs.

--------

He entered her room and found her lying on top of the bed, curled in the fetal position, sobs shaking her small frame.

"What's the matter? Mere. Honey…" He whispered as he laid down next to her and pulled her close, "Shhhh." He stroked her hair, tenderly. Tipping her chin, he brought her face up to his. Her face was red, tears continuing to stream down her cheeks.

"Today," she sobbed, "out of the blue," she continued, "Derek proposed to me."


	3. Avoidance and Comfort

**A Little Comfort**

"He proposed to you. Really? He proposed to you?" Justin asked quietly.

She nodded, tears continuing to stream down her face.

"Do you think there's even a chance that you might love him?"

"I—I love you! I used to love Derek," she rambled, "I—I don't know if I still do."

"Do you want to marry Derek?"

She paused for a moment, thinking. "Justin, I don't want to hurt anyone—by not knowing, I mean."

"Talk to me, Mere. I can take it." He drew her closer.

"I loved him. I didn't think I'd ever love someone again…the way I'd loved him. And then you came along. I realized that kind of love wasn't a once-in-a-lifetime thing, although the feelings for him never completely went away." She sighed, "I haven't encouraged him at all, lately, but I've known that he's still holding on to hope that I'll end up with him. I haven't discouraged it. And, yes, I find it kind of cute that he's still hanging on. It's almost like justice for what he put me through."

"What do you need from me? Do you need me to just wait it out? Wait for it to pass?" His gaze deepened.

"Yeah, that'd be good, I guess," she replied, her voice lowered to a whisper.

"I love you, Meredith. I don't want to pressure you. Of course I don't want you to end up with some other guy. But I want you to really know what you want before making any decisions. And I'll be here for you as you figure it all out."

---------

"Meredith!" She continued racing down the hallway, chart at her side.

She turned and yelled over her shoulder, "Go away, Derek."

"Meredith, what's wrong?" He continued after her, frantically.

"Leave me alone! Please!"

"Mere," as he caught up with her, he grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face him. "Tell me what you want. Do you want me to give up? Do you want me to give you some time? Tell me what you want."

She spun around and started down the hall at top speed.

"Meredith!" He caught her shoulders, and they found themselves face-to-face once again.

"I don't know what I want, okay? I don't! I have this wonderful boyfriend who is mature enough to tell me that he'll support me as I figure out what I want, even if the choice doesn't end up being him. And then there's you! And you are driving me absolutely—"

He pulled her close, his lips roughly finding hers. She struggled against his embrace, pushing against his chest as he kissed her with all of the pent up tension and emotion that had been building between them for months. Her resistance slowly faded, and he could feel her melt into his arms. Her eyes closed as she tenderly kissed him back. He drew back slightly. She opened her eyes and peered up at him, finding a confident gleam in his eyes. She stepped back, tears welling.

"Is this a game to you, Derek? Do you only want me when you think you can't have me?" Her eyes narrowed, and she went on, bitterly, "Damn you for doing this to me! Go to hell, Derek." She turned and walked away from him, shoulders sagging.

She never saw the devastation in his face, the stricken look as he stood there watching her walk away.

----------

She quickly grabbed the phone as it neared the last ring. Caller ID said "Justin."

"Hi baby." Her heart skipped a beat. His voice was amazingly sexy over the phone.

"I've missed you so much today." Her voice cracked with exhaustion. She hoped he wouldn't think much of it.

"Are you on your way home?"

"I'm in the locker room changing."

"Wanna meet for dinner?"

"I'm really tired, Justin. How about…no, I'm on-call tomorrow so that won't work."

"That's OK, Mere. We can do something this weekend. I'll call you tomorrow to see how things are going, okay?"

"I love you, Justin."

"Love you too, Mere. Talk to you soon."

"Bye." She closed her eyes as she snapped the phone shut.

----------

As she entered Joe's, she looked around nervously.

_Oh no._

He was sitting at the bar, and he'd turned when he heard someone come through the door. He'd spotted her immediately.

_He looks miserable._

She made her way to the bar and sat down beside him.

She looked up at the bartender, "It's a three-shot night, Joe."

"Sorry to hear that, doctor. Three shots comin' up." He dropped the glasses down on the bar and grabbed the Tequila bottle.

Derek turned to her, smiling sadly. "Rough day?"

She smiled weakly, and turned back to the newly poured shots. One by one, she tipped her head back, savoring the stinging liquid as it slid down her throat.

----------

She rolled over, sleepily, and slapped the snooze button.

"What time is it Mere"?

_Oh. My. God. What happened last night?_

"Mere. Are we late for rounds?"


	4. The Morning After

"Meredith, aren't you going to tell me what is going on?" Christina caught up with her and quickly matched her stride as they walked out of the locker room, headed for the nurses' station.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Meredith answered nervously.

"Oh. Whatever. I know that something's up. You haven't acted like this since the time that your mom started talking about having sex in the on-call room." Christina looked at her intensely, trying to read her face.

"Who's having sex in the on-call room? I know it wasn't me. Izzy was at my place last night." Alex joined them, easily matching their pace.

"No one. As far as I know. Meredith's acting like she's hiding something, though." She told him suspiciously.

"Meredith, what are you hiding? Are you hiding something?" Derek joined them, coming from behind Meredith and Christina. He flashed a grin and winked at Meredith as she glanced up at him.

"Dr. Shepherd. Hmm. Your hair— looks a little more, something, than usual." Eyes narrowed, Christina scanned him carefully.

"Oh really? I used a different conditioner this morning. Must be the conditioner." He turned to Meredith with a lopsided grin, his eyes sparkling.

Christina slowly turned to face Meredith, eyes widened.

----------

"Good morning, Dr. Bailey," They offered.

"Nothing good about this morning. I was up all night with a hungry baby. Let's just make it through the day, okay? George, you're with Burke today. Yang, you're with the Chief. Karev, you're covering the pit. Stevens, you're with me. And, Grey, you're with Shepherd. Who's on call tonight?" She looked at the group impatiently.

"I am, Dr. Bailey." Meredith answered quietly.

"All right Grey. See you all back here after pre-rounds. Let's move, people!"

----------

"It's McDreamy," Christina demanded.

"What?" Meredith's voice cracked as she tried to seem nonchalant. _I never was a good liar._

"Why was McDreamy at your house this morning?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." She averted her gaze, not wanting to look up at her friend.

"Oh, come on Meredith. I went to Stanford. I can put two and two together. Besides, I recognized the smell of your conditioner in his hair! And the way he looked at you…"

"I can't talk about this right now." Meredith shook her head and walked a little faster.

Christina stopped, as Meredith continued down the hall, "What about Justin?"

Meredith stopped, turning back to answer, "Christina, I can't talk about this right now!"

"Okay! Whatever. See you for lunch?"

"I'll be in the OR all day."

----------

She stood at the scrub sink, watching as he helped position the patient.

_He gets me. He's hurt me in the past year. A lot. But he gets me. And he's wonderful. And talented. _She watched with pride as he finished shaving the patient's head, readying it for the nurse to do the surgical prep. He soon exited the OR suite, joining her as she scrubbed her hands.

"Last night was amazing, Mere." He looked at her, his penetrating gaze stirring her defenses.

"Funny, I don't remember much about last night." She smiled.

"Really?"

"Well—except that it was really great," she said, smiling again weakly.

"I know! That was all I was saying," he said, excitedly. "What are you doing tonight?"

"I have a boyfriend," she pointed out. "Remember that? Last night was bad."

"It was good," he grinned, laughing.

"It was bad," she said forcefully, "Anyway, I'm on-call tonight."

"Well, that's good for me," he smiled, "because I know where you work."

----------

The day passed very quickly. They had three long cases in the OR, they rounded twice on their post-op patients, and the shift was over.

Two hours later, Meredith sat at a table in the cafeteria. Alone.

She hadn't been getting paged much to the ER. She had a couple of patients who needed sutures earlier, but that was about it.

Justin had called, wanting to know how her day had been. Justin. She really didn't deserve him. He'd been nothing but sweet and patient with her throughout their relationship thus far. She wondered how sweet and patient he'd be if he ever found out what she'd done. And she hated the fact that she was now keeping secrets from him.

The solace was nice. The cafeteria was bustling with people, yet she sat at her table enjoying the fact that there was no one needing her, talking to her, or making demands. Time to think. And she needed to do a lot of thinking. She stared at the salad on her plate, pushing it around with her fork. _What do I want?_

_Do I love Justin more than I loved Derek?_

_Do I love Derek as much as I loved Derek?_

"You look deep in thought." _Derek._

"What are you still doing here?" She asked.

"Looking for you," he grinned, pulling up a chair beside her. "What are you thinking about that has you looking so serious?"

He smiled as her rosy cheeks turned a deeper shade of pink.

"Oh. So what are you going to do?" His expression was serious now, and tipping his head, he gazed into her eyes.

"About Justin?" She asked, sighing.

"Yeah."

"I don't know. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be a liar either," she looked down, playing with her fork. _I'll be a liar if I continue thinking that I could ever live without you._ "I never thought I'd be a cheater."

"Meredith—"

"Every part of this is painful. Not having you was painful. Having you back will cause pain too," her eyes welled with tears, "Why does this all have to be so hard?"

"I'm so sorry, Meredith," he whispered, reaching to put his arm around her shoulders. "You've been through so much this past year. I'm sorry that I've been another cause of heartache in your life." He smoothed her hair, tucking it behind her ears.

She wept, giving in as he comforted her. She cried for all of the hardship that she'd endured in the last couple of years, for what she'd just done to Justin, and what she was about to do.

She stood up, grabbing his hand and led him out of the cafeteria. As she pulled him into the on-call room and locked the door, she never noticed Justin standing in the hallway behind them or the stricken look on his face.


	5. Heartache and Pain

"Meredith! Phone for you!"

She walked into the kitchen and grabbed the phone from Izzy, who whispered, "It's Justin."

"Hello?"

"Hi Mere. How are you?" It was so good to hear his voice, yet talking to him made her so nervous.

"Good. What's up?"

"Well, I thought I'd call and see if you wanted to do something this weekend. I was hoping that we'd see each other sometime soon."

"Yeah, of course! I'd love to do something. What do you want to do? When?"

----------

After dinner and a movie, they were heading home. She hadn't talked much, despite Justin's efforts at making conversation.

"How was your call shift the other night?" he asked. "Did you get slammed by the ER?"

"Nope. It was pretty uneventful." She hoped that her expression wasn't giving her away.

"Are you okay?" he inquired, gently.

"Yeah, sure," she lied.

"Are you sure?" He looked deeply into her eyes, and she was afraid that he saw through to the pain that was eating at her.

"Yeah, why?"

"Just asking."

----------

Mondays were always busy on-call. This one was no exception. The ER had been busy all evening. It was 2 AM. Meredith had just gotten away and begun to fall asleep when she received another stat page to the ER.

After rushing down to the ER, she learned that a bunch of patients from a motor vehicle collision were on their way in. Among them, there were three young children, all severely injured. She paged the on-call resident who was on with her.

"Hey," Derek came rushing in the doors of the ER, "I heard that we've got a big one coming in—kids, multiple trauma, LOCs at the scene."

"Yeah," she yawned and rubbed her eyes.

"Have you gotten any sleep tonight?"

"No, not really."

They heard the sirens getting louder as the ambulances neared the ambulance bay, and finished pulling on their trauma gowns as they moved to the doors.

The paramedics rushed in, pushing a stretcher with a small curly-haired little girl, "5 year old girl, loss of consciousness at the scene, GCS 7, One pupil blown. She briefly woke up in the ambulance, but repeated LOC a minute later."

The girl's tiny frame started convulsing and Derek quickly took charge, "OK. Let's push Dilantin and Ativan IV. Call and book a room for a stat CT; Call the OR and tell them that we'll probably need to bring her up for a Craniotomy and Burr Hole Drainage. Has she had any mannitol…?"

----------

They were about 10 minutes into the procedure; almost finished with the burr holes, and still needed to insert the ICP monitor. The nurses hurried around helping the anesthesiologist, Dr. Wilson, administering blood and assorted meds.

"She's crashing," Dr. Wilson called.

"Okay people. Begin CPR." Derek commanded

----------

Meredith stayed behind to clean the little girl's wounds and prepare her to be seen by family. Despite their best efforts, she hadn't made it through the surgery. According to her symptoms, she was in bad shape when she came in, but Meredith had held on to hope that they could save her. She smoothed the child's hair over the area that they'd had to shave. Such a precious little face. So innocent. Still untouched by the pain of the world.

Meredith's eyes filled with tears. "I'm so sorry," she murmured, voice raspy, "You deserved a chance…we all deserve a chance…" Tears rolled down her cheeks as she continued to smooth the girl's hair.

"Lucy," Derek offered as he walked in. "Her name was Lucy."

"Lucy. She looks like a Lucy," she said, voice quivering as she went on, "This doesn't make sense, Derek. She's so innocent. She had so much life left to live…"

"C'mon Mere. We've gotta get back to the ER. The others weren't in very good shape, either."

----------

At around 4 AM, she finally got back to the on-call room. She threw herself onto the bottom bunk with a sigh, totally spent. And she broke down, sobbing into the pillow as she let out all of the frustration and sorrow of the previous few hours.

None of the three small children made it. After all of the work that they'd done trying to revive them, they died anyway. It didn't make sense. Bitter, cynical, hurting adults wandered around, floating through life, and innocent children died long before they should. This family had been hit by a drunk driver. The mom and dad were badly injured and the children all died. And it was almost a cliché—the drunk driver was fine and his passenger had been killed.

She felt like a failure, like the medicine in her life was a failure. The justice system was a failure. It was all so depressing.

The door slowly opened, revealing a small crack of light, and Derek stumbled in, plopping down next to her on the bunk. He pulled her close, and wrapped his arms around her.

"It doesn't seem fair," she sobbed.

"I know," he reassured her, "but if we hadn't been there, they would've had no chance. We gave them the best care they could get. We preserved their dignity, and gave them all medicine had to give. They were just too broken. No one could've fixed them."

She leaned closer, resting in his embrace, and they slowly drifted off to sleep.


	6. Fight for Me

Justin ended up with the day off, and decided to surprise Meredith at the hospital. He'd called Izzy and asked her to help make sure that Meredith could get out for lunch around 11:30. He made an elaborate picnic lunch, picked up a huge bouquet of flowers, even found a red-and-white checkered tablecloth. Around 11, he headed to the hospital.

---------

"Where are you off to?" Derek asked, joining her as she walked.

"Oh. I'm going to the cafeteria while I can." She replied as she quickly darted down the hallway.

"Great! I'll come with you." He leaned toward her, "Are you feeling better this morning?"

"Yeah, it's just hard to make sense of it all sometimes, you know?" She shrugged, and flashed a weak smile.

"Yeah, I know. Children's lives cut short by trauma and tragedy, brilliant world-famous surgeons being struck with early onset Alzheimer's—there's a lot in life that doesn't make any sense."

"I'm glad that you're involved in Medicine. It's hard for non-medical people to understand how we feel."

He leaned close, whispering in her ear with a grin, "I'm glad that you're glad."

She shyly smiled, blushing and glancing away. As they approached the cafeteria, she spotted a familiar face.

"Justin!"

She approached the table where he stood, noticing that he'd prepared it with a cute setting for two. Tablecloth, flowers, place settings and everything.

He greeted her with a big hug, and a kiss.

"Hi. You must be Derek. It's nice to meet you." Justin extended his hand, smiling as he greeted Derek.

"You must be Justin. I've heard so much about you." Derek, too, put forth his most handsome smile.

"I've heard a lot about you, too. Why don't you join us?" _My Justin. So polite._

"Oh, I couldn't—"

"No, please! Have lunch with us. You're one of the men in Meredith's life. It'd be nice to chat."

_Well, this ought to be interesting._

----------

Justin and Derek had spent the entire lunch comparing stories about Meredith.

At one point, Derek silently noted the affection for Meredith in Justin's eyes, _"Wow. He is very much in love with her."_ Justin had noticed the same sentiment in the way that Derek looked at and spoke of her.

"Wow, Meredith didn't mention that you were practically a chef. Thanks, Justin. That lunch was amazing! Well, I've got a few patient s to check on, so I'd better leave you two alone. Thanks again for the lunch. See you later Meredith." Derek pushed in his chair and hurried off.

"Mere, you look exhausted." Justin told her, concern evident in his eyes.

"Last night was awful. We had this trauma come in…"

----------

She quietly told Justin all about the previous night—how stressful the situation was, how badly the patients were injured, how much she was struck by the unfairness of it all, and the sense of defeat that she'd felt at the end of the night.

He nodded, and put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer in an attempt to provide comfort.

"I'm sorry, Mere," he offered. "It sounds like it was a horrific night." He wasn't really sure what to say. He didn't understand a good deal of what she was talking about, and had no idea what it would be like to be in such a stressful situation. Engineering had its bad moments, but nothing like dying pre-schoolers and firsthand knowledge of being unable to fix dying innocent trauma victims.

She knew he was trying to understand, but there was really no way that he could grasp the intensity of what she was feeling. And that was when it hit her. _I'll always have medicine with Derek. He understands what I do, and the demands of medicine. He knows how frustrating it can be, "helping" people. He knows that sometimes by "helping them", we're not actually helping them. He just knows…_

"Justin, can we do something tonight?" Meredith asked quietly, pulling free from his embrace.

"Sure, do you want to get some dinner together?" he suggested.

"Actually, how about tomorrow night instead?" She'd be too tired tonight. Plus, it'd give her a day to think.

"Sure, tomorrow night it is."

They discussed when and where. Meredith suggested a new restaurant that she'd been wanting to try, thinking _"At least I won't ruin the memories that we associate with our usual restaurants this way."_

"Okay, well I'd better get back to work. Thanks for the lunch, it was really special. Love you." She kissed him on the cheek and gave him a quick hug.

"Bye Mere," he waved as she hurried away.

----------

"How was lunch with Justin?" Izzy asked, cheekily.

"You knew that he was bringing me lunch?" Meredith laughed, "You could've at least included in the plotting and scheming that McDreamy wouldn't be walking to the cafeteria with me."

"No way!" Izzy exclaimed, incredulous.

"I'm so not kidding." She laughed again. "It ended up being okay, though. They used the entire lunch to dote on me and compare stories. It was kind of cute, in a freaky glad-they're-not-into-dueling kind of way."

"Yeah, Derek seems pretty into you lately," Izzy noted, "It seems like he must've finally given up on pretending that you two were just friends."

"Izzy!"

"Oh come on, Meredith. You and I both know that the concept of you and McDreamy being 'just friends' is a total joke!"

"Well. We tried," Meredith admitted, smiling, "And it was a noble effort."

"Oh, so you're admitting that it was a failure? What does that mean? For Justin, I mean?"

"Well, Iz, I've given it some thought. And, I'm just going to have to find a way to tell him—"

"Dr. Grey, we need you in here!" One of the nurses was waving her into a patient's room, and things seemed urgent.

"Gotta run, Izzy. Thanks for helping me to see Justin at lunch…"

"Tell who, Meredith? Ugh—I was so close to the juicy details," she muttered to herself, walking back to check on one of her patients.

----------

"He seems sweet." Derek joined her as she stood at the nurses' station writing orders.

"He's great," she answered. "I'm afraid I don't deserve him."

"You deserve the best that life has to offer, Meredith," he whispered in her ear, "The question is whether you feel with _him_ what you feel with _me_."

She stopped writing and turned to him, thoughtful. "Can you meet me at Joe's tonight?"

"Are you sure? Aren't you exhausted?" he asked, concerned.

"Well, yeah, but I really need a chance to talk to you." She looked away, hoping that he wouldn't ask now what she was so desperate to talk to him about.

"How about this? I'll stop at the store after work and pick up some groceries. I'll come over to your place and cook you dinner. Does that sound okay?" He grinned sweetly.

"I guess. What is it with men and cooking today?" She chuckled, "Is it a competitive thing now, Derek?"

"Of course! I can't have the woman I love thinking that the _other_ guy is the only one who knows how to wine and dine her, can I?" He shot her a lopsided grin, then started back toward the OR.

----------

"So, what had you wanted to talk to me about, Mere?" He had made her an amazing dinner, and was now doing the dishes. He'd insisted that she sit down and put her feet up on one of the chairs while he cleaned up after dinner.

"Come sit on the couch with me. Let's talk about it there." She got up and went into the living room, and Derek joined her. Meredith plopped down on the sofa, bringing her legs up indian-style and facing him.

"What is it, Mere?" He tipped his head, expectantly and looked deeply into her eyes.

"Why did you propose to me?" Her eyes narrowed as she observed his response.

"What do you mean? I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you," he said, eyes sparkling.

"Why do you want to be with me?"

"Meredith, where are you going with this?" He frowned, a worried look taking over his features.

"Derek, I'm faced with this choice. I love you, and know that I always will. It's the kind of love that doesn't always make sense, and I certainly have wanted to get rid of it during the past year or so—several times. But it's irrational—not really explainable, and it's just the way I feel about you. I'll always be drawn to you. You broke my heart, badly. And I don't completely trust you again, but I do know that we'll always have chemistry and I'll always love you." She continued, "Justin appeals to my practical side. He's kind, he's sweet, he's incredibly good-natured, and he's _mature_. He approaches things maturely in a way that you and I will never reach. He's stable. And, he's secure."

She took a deep breath, "I made my appeal when you were faced with a choice between Addison and I. I stated my case. I came to you and basically begged you to love me." Her eyes spilled over with tears, "And even though you may have continued loving me all of this time, you picked her. Not me. And I've forgiven you for that. And my pride has recovered. But now, as I'm faced with a choice, I'm giving you your chance to plead your case. Are you willing to fight…for me? Reinforce for me—prove to me again—why I want to be with you." She wiped her eyes, trying to hold back the emotions that welled inside of her.

"Fight for me, Derek," she demanded.


	7. A Passionate Plea

**Thank you to all who have reviewed. I've enjoyed writing it! Hope that you enjoy the rest of the story (several more chapters to come)…**

**----------**

Eyes shining, Derek laid out his heartfelt appeal.

"Meredith, when I came to Seattle I was completely destroyed. My life had been built on the notion that I'd worked really hard and excelled. That, as a kid, I'd excelled in school. I'd made good choices. I chosen to become a doctor, and then married my college sweetheart, who just happened to be the most beautiful woman that I'd ever met. I picked one of the specialties that required the longest residency and was the hardest to learn, requiring the utmost skill and precision. Even though it wasn't a great thing, my pride had a very large role in my life. And, when I caught my wife betraying me with my best friend, all of that pride disappeared into thin air. I knew then that I probably hadn't been a perfect husband, or friend. I knew, at the very least, that I hadn't been very perceptive, and that I didn't have it all, or balance it all well."

"So, when I met you, I was looking for a pick-me-up. I was looking for something, or someone, who would help me forget what a failure I was. One-night-stand, or something." His voice wavered as he continued, "At first, it was superficial. And seeing you at the hospital—realizing that you were an intern was amusing. But it didn't take long before I realized that I was in love with you. So in love with you, in fact, that I wanted to forget that there was an Addison. I figured that she'd eventually get the picture. She wouldn't hear from me, would figure that I'd moved on, eventually I'd get papers and things would be settled. I just figured that everything would work out. You were like this miraculous second chance for me. It had to work out. And we were getting closer. We were revealing the secrets—the details—that we didn't know about each other. At our own pace—and I was getting ready to tell you about my life in New York."

"And then Addison showed up. And I felt like I'd been robbed—of my chance to find happiness again. I was so pissed and so bitter about that, and it totally threw me. I didn't know how to move on. And, in some ways, that prideful part of me was telling me that I had to go back and prove that I wasn't a bad husband. There were so many negative emotions clouding my relationship with Addison that I couldn't remember the times that we'd been happy. But I felt obligated. I've been making choices to go with the work, the anti-fun, all my life. I passed up playing with my friends to do extra credit assignments. I spent all my time studying in college, instead of partying or going out with my girlfriend. I spend time in the hospital instead of actually developing a life. I've always picked what is hard, thinking that more difficult equals better. So when faced with a choice that I truly didn't know how to handle, I picked what I'd always gone with—the most difficult, least enjoyable path."

"It didn't take long before I realized that I made the wrong choice. I'd let down the woman I truly loved, and instilled a false sense of hope in the one I should've let go. I tried to give it a shot; plus, I felt like I was stuck. But, after a short time, I realized that it wouldn't work with Addison. I stayed in limbo, and kept the two of you in limbo, way too long. Finally, you and I started our walks with Doc. It reassured me to think that you didn't completely hate me and hadn't given up on me forever. And, finally, Addison forced me to make some choices. I was so relieved. But then it was too late."

"I thought that I'd be patient, that I'd wait it out while you were with Justin. But I didn't want you to make any choices in your relationship with him without knowing how much I loved you. And once the words had escaped my mouth, it became much more difficult to hold back."

"I know that we can't just pick up where we left off when Addison came. I know that we've changed so much since then. I want to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much I love you. I want to live my life to make you happy."

"I spend my days hoping for a chance to see you. I don't feel like I've begun my morning until I've been close to you as we're doing morning rounds. And I lie there at night, trying to sleep, wishing that you were in my arms. When I hear something funny or interesting, I want to tell you about it, just to hear what you'll say. And it grieves me to think that you'd be hurting or need support and I wouldn't be around to help you through it."

"The scent of your hair, the way your skin feels against mine, the softness of your lips—my senses are awakened by everything _you_, even if it's just the thought of you. I love seeing your eyes peering at me over the surgical microscope, and the way that your eyebrows arch when you're saying something witty or sarcastic."

"I can't handle just being your friend. I can't do it, Meredith! I want to be your lover, your confidante. Your cheerleader. A shoulder for you to cry on. Your support. Your husband; the father of your children; and the grandfather of your grandchildren. I want to fall asleep next to you every night; and wake up next to you every morning. Anything less will not be enough."

"And having that chance—will make me the happiest man alive." He wiped the wetness from under his eyes.

"Pick me." He moved closer, eyes shining as he gazed at her.

"Choose me." Head tipped slightly, he reached up and took her face in his hands, stroking her skin softly.

"Love me." He brushed his lips against hers, savoring their taste as if it was the only thing keeping him alive.

Their kiss grew passionately and, with a ragged breath, Derek pulled away. He reached up to brush the tears from her cheeks.

She began to laugh, tears still spilling from her eyes, "You had me at one-night-stand!" she laughed.

He joined her, laughing, then looked deeply into her eyes. "Meredith, will you give me that chance?" he begged, adding, "I will never leave you, and I don't ever want to hurt you again."

"Yes, Derek. I love you so much," she whispered as she rested her head on his shoulder, "Now how am I going to break this to Justin?"


	8. Endings and Beginnings

"Wow, Mere. Look at you!" Derek seemed to have a knack for knowing where she'd be. This time, of course, she was emerging from the locker room after showering, and doing her hair and makeup. And she was wearing her favorite dress and shoes. She smelled good, she looked amazing, but she felt absolutely awful. Tonight was the night that she'd break things off with Justin.

"Are you sure that you have to go out with him one more time…looking like that? Can't you just break the news to him over the phone? Or in a nice note?" he whispered, jokingly, as he leaned against the wall outside of the locker room.

"Derek!" she laughed. "I think that we both owe him at least this."

"I guess that's true. The last supper. Or something," he grinned, eyes twinkling. "And then you're mine."

"Whatever. I've been yours for a long time. Okay, wish me luck!" She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, and spun around, heading toward the elevator.

As she neared it, the elevator's doors opened, and Meredith was a little surprised by whom she found standing in front of her.

"Justin! You're early!" she cooed.

"Yeah, I wanted to see my girl," he said, enfolding her in a hug as she joined him on the elevator. "You look absolutely amazing."

She looked him over, "You don't look so shabby yourself!"

"It's great to see you, Mere." He smiled at her charmingly, eyes shining.

They stepped off the elevator and headed toward the front doors.

"Where did you park?"

----------

The restaurant she'd suggested was a cozy little Mexican place. It had a quiet but energetic ambiance, and great food, as it turned out. They leisurely sat and savored the meal. Meredith, as was always the case when she was preoccupied or fretting about something, ate very little from her plate. And Justin, the attentive boyfriend he was, picked up on the fact that she was troubled.

"What's wrong, Mere?"

"Um, I need to talk to you about something."

"What is it, honey?"

"Well, it's—uh…" she began, waiting for the right words to start flowing, "I'm still in love with Derek."

"I know," he calmly replied.

"You do?" she asked, surprise evident in her voice.

"Yeah, it's not so difficult to figure out." He grinned, making her heart skip a beat.

"How long have you known?"

"Did you ever really stop loving him?" He bluntly questioned.

"I tried," she answered, trying to hold back tears.

"I know you did. And I'd really hoped that things would work out between us. But you're a wonderful woman, and I want you to be happy. I really wanted that to be with me—wanted us to be together. If you don't feel the same way, though, I can't force you to feel any differently." _"Wow," she thought,_ _"this is so much easier than I'd thought it would be."_

"I'm sorry, Justin," she said, eyes misty.

"I know. I am too." He reached across the table for her hand. "Do you want me to take you home?"

"Yeah, I suppose I do."

----------

They chatted the whole way back to Meredith's, quietly making small talk. Each asked about the other's work. Meredith asked about Justin's family and what was new with each of them.

Finally, they pulled up at the curb in front of Meredith's home.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye." Justin took her hand, and squeezed it in his.

"I guess it is," she sadly concurred.

He leaned over, gently brushing his lips against hers one last time.

"Bye Meredith."

"Bye Justin."

She grabbed her tote bag from the back seat, waved, and shut the door to the car, running down the front walk and up the stairs to the door. After unlocking the door, she turned back and waved. Justin waved back, and slowly drove away.

----------

"Hi Derek." She'd called him, wanting to hear the sound of his voice before she went to bed.

"Hi Mere. How did things go tonight?"

"All right, I guess. It was sad. And it was almost too easy."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when I told him that I was in love with you, he said that he already knew." She grinned.

"Really? Poor guy. He didn't stand a chance, did he?"

"Derek! That's a cocky thing to say!"

"I'm not cocky, I'm just really likeable. Aren't I?"

"Well, I'll give you that, I guess."

"Can I come over?"

"When?"

"Tonight? Now?"

"Don't you have surgery in the morning?"

"Yes, and I do need sleep, but I can sleep next to you as well as I can sleep alone." He was pleading. "Do you have to work tomorrow?"

"Nope. I ended up on call last Sunday, so I've already reached my 80-hour limit," she paused for a second, then answered his previous question. "I guess that you can come over."

"What if I bring some stuff that I can leave at your place? Like, my toothbrush and deodorant, and that kind of stuff?"

"I_ guess_ that you can bring your stuff," she sarcastically responded with feigned disinterest, her heart leaping all the while.


	9. Devotion

"Mere, I don't want to get up." He reached across and touched one of her legs.

"But, doctor, you've got surgery this morning," she laughed.

"I know. I've only got two short cases, so maybe I can leave early this afternoon."

"That'd be nice. Maybe we could do something later." She gazed at him, lovingly.

"That sounds great, Mere. But first, come back over here." He pulled her closer, playfully trapping her in his arms and showering her with kisses.

"You do have 45 minutes until you need to be at the hospital," she pointed out.

"Why, _Dr. Grey_, are you trying to _seduce_ me?" He flashed one of his devastatingly handsome smiles.

"Well, you _are_ in my bed…" She giggled as he rolled over and ended up on top of her.

----------

"Hi Meredith." It was Dr. Bailey, "I need you to stop by the hospital this morning. You forgot to sign one of the orders that you wrote yesterday. Normally, the hospital wants orders signed no later than 48 hours after-the-fact, like for verbal orders or ones that you call in. But, since it's Thursday, and you're off until Monday, could you stop in and sign it this morning?"

"Sure," Meredith answered groggily. "I'll be there in a couple of hours." She glanced at the alarm clock. _Nine o'clock._

"Thanks. I'll see you when you get here."

----------

After an energizing bath and some leftover green chili enchiladas from last night's dinner, Meredith was on her way to the hospital. She'd been an intern long enough, now, that it almost felt strange wearing "normal" clothes instead of scrubs. In the spirit of the long weekend, she took the time to do her hair and find a nice outfit to wear. After a while, wearing scrubs and a ponytail had almost made her forget what it felt like to be a person—a person who had time to think of things on a not-life-and-death time frame and a person who could take the time to do frivolous things and pamper herself.

"_After a while,"_ she thought, _"You almost feel like a drone."_

She pulled up at the hospital around 11:30. Dr. Bailey had just gotten out of surgery, and Meredith found her in the recovery room, writing post-op orders for the patient they'd just finished with.

"Dr. Bailey, what was the name of the patient—for the orders I needed to sign."

"Oh, right, let me see. Hmm…where did I set that chart? Oh, I remember! I put it in the staff lounge. Come with me, and I'll get it for you." Dr. Bailey started out of the recovery room and motioned for her to follow. They walked down the hall, Meredith several steps behind her. Dr. Bailey entered the staff lounge, the door quickly closing behind her.

And as Meredith opened the door, she realized that all of the interns, the attendings, all of the nurses and the other OR staff—everyone was gathered in the room. And they were standing behind Derek, who was not dressed in scrubs. He looked very handsome in his V-neck sweater, white button-down underneath, and sexy jeans. And he was smiling, looking very intensely into her eyes. The room, which had been abuzz with laughter and chatting, hushed as she walked in.

"Meredith, there's something that I want to ask you." Derek said, eyes sparkling. "And I thought it only fitting that everyone be here as witnesses."

Meredith's stomach began doing flips as she realized what was going on. _I can't believe that this is really happening._

He swiftly closed the gap between them, looking deeply into her eyes. He slowly got down on one knee, and took one of her hands in his. He pulled a black velvet-covered box from his back pocket and opened it, letting go of her hand just long enough to pull out the ring.

"Meredith Grey, I love you with all of my heart, and will never love another woman the way I love you. So, I'm asking you now—will you make me the luckiest man alive by becoming my wife? Will you marry me, Meredith?"

"Yes, Derek. I love you, too," she whispered. Tears trickled down her cheeks as he slipped the beautiful diamond ring onto her finger. He stood up, taking her into his arms and heartily kissing her. The crowd began cheering—clapping and whistling as the happy couple displayed their zeal for one another.

-----------

People stood around, excitedly talking about the romantic scene they'd all just witnessed.

"It's about time," one nurse commented. "We lived through all of the Addison drama along with them, I'm glad that we got to share in their joyous moment!"

"Okay people, let's get to work!" _Dr. Bailey._

"Dr. Bailey," Meredith turned to face her, laughing as she exclaimed, "that had to be more calculating, conniving, and mischievous than I would have _ever_ expected, even from 'the Nazi'!"

"Just remember Grey," she laughed, embracing the intern in a sisterly hug, "He _is_ my boss. Congratulations, you two. You've been through a lot, and you both deserve to be happy." Derek grinned, touched by the tenderness of the normally stern resident.

"Oh. My. God! Meredith, congratulations." Christina beamed, hugging Meredith. Another uncharacteristic show of emotion. "Now, McDreamy," she leaned closer and whispered forcefully, "if you ever break her heart again, I promise you—I'll rip your balls out through your throat and shove them up your ass." She stepped back, and smiled sweetly as she asked, "Okay, Derek? Congratulations, buddy!" She slapped him on the shoulder as she shuffled out of the room.

"Congratulations, you guys." Alex and Izzy hugged each of them, Izzy frantically wiping away tears. "That was awesome, Dr. Shepherd. Congratulations, Mere. It's about time that you two can really be together and happy."

George shook Derek's hand, nervously looking up at him, "Take good care of my friend, Dr. Shepherd. I hope that you deserve her, and make her happy."

"I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying, O'Malley." Derek replied, eyes shining.

"Thanks, George." Meredith choked, tears streaming down her face.

"Congratulations, Meredith. You deserve it." He gave her a quick hug, and turned to leave the room.

They continued coming by—the Chief, and eventually Burke, and some of the nurses.

----------

"Wanna get out of here?" he whispered in her ear, seductively.

"Let's go."

The two of them sneaked past the staff who were still lingering in the lounge.


End file.
